better man

pearl jam

With realization of one’s own potential and
self-confidence in one’s ability,
one can build a better world.
– Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

it’s been a week of movement. many things have transpired, repaired, drifted out and then back into view, and turned a little left. i can’t say that there’s a polished perspective yet that has emerged from the churning, but i must say there’s comfort for me in the chaos somehow.

i was driving to my workplace this morning and i became teary. hard to say why really. just seemed like gratitude has slipped in while i was tired and reminded me that i was cared for. people care about me and people care for me. and i care for myself. not in a demonstrative or garish way. more a quiet concrete willingness to let go of what i want in order to safeguard boundaries.

this signals a huge distance traveled by me. i have been blogging since 2006  and found recovery in 2004. when this process began i wrote to normalize being sober, maneuvering my then acutely sober life, and usher in the emotional tides that follow as the brain quiets down from decades of dopamine flooding. about 2009 or so, i switched it up as emotional sobriety became my crusade.

with that chapter, it became shamingly clear that i had trunkfuls of shame and trauma that had been crushed by the wheels of denial for so many years that they had become part of my skeleton much like a fossil and it took time, patience, and perseverance to identify, catalog, and determine what was worth keeping. most of the “big dig” has transpired and i have moved into another realm.

here i find myself, working with others on a few levels, and sharing what i have learned, and how i have learned. this can easily be translated into how i survived. although that is a question not answerable by me. i do not know how. i know i have and i value that now in a vastly different way than in previous decades.

i see myself as a sort of quiet activist these days. i am certainly a care giver as well, but i remain loyal to the notion that our approach to the disease of drugs and alcohol has to change and expand. and that is now in lieu of later. and so i will quietly and continually start the conversation about recovery. it is an option. it is a solution. it has proven to be successful. it needs to be a core element of healing.

Waitin’, watchin’ the clock, it’s four o’clock, it’s got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man
Can’t find a better man

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