take me to the river

“When you come from the view that you’re fundamentally good rather than fundamentally flawed, as you see yourself speak or act out, as you see yourself repress, you will have a growing understanding that you’re not a bad person who needs to shape up but a good person with temporary, malleable habits that are causing you a lot of suffering. And then, in that spirit, you can become very familiar with these temporary but strongly embedded habits.”  ― Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change

“When you come from the view that you’re fundamentally good rather than fundamentally flawed, as you see yourself speak or act out, as you see yourself repress, you will have a growing understanding that you’re not a bad person who needs to shape up but a good person with temporary, malleable habits that are causing you a lot of suffering. And then, in that spirit, you can become very familiar with these temporary but strongly embedded habits.”
― Pema Chödrön, Living Beautifully: with Uncertainty and Change

these last few weeks have provided me the opportunity to make room for some of my real nature to come into view. if only i could proclaim how wonderful i am. wouldn’t that be wonderful? it might be, but that’s not the case. what i have seen is how very human i am. how vulnerable to primal reaction and fear i am. and how my ” chasing shiny things behaviors” keep me caught in a whirlpool of mild chaos.

it is often a challenge not to throw the book at myself in judgement over all this. after all, i have spent most of my adult life feeling “less than” and standing on the outside looking in. recovery and spiritual practices have taught me to think differently and feel differently which is how i try to live most of the time. but  there are times when primal reactions emerge without warning and leave me standing clueless like a deer in some headlights trying to figure out what is happening and which direction i need to make a dash for.

this process i describe is my version of actuating emotional sobriety. old behaviors emerge and cause me to see life as in a rainstorm. emotional recovery involves time and patience to remember that who i was and how i was does not dictate who i am now. it is like using a wiper blade to better see the world with clarity.

attached to this cycle is the much more fragile self-forgiveness tangent. acceptance and forgiveness become  the fulcrum that growth and change teeter upon in my world. when i pray now, it is for the ability to zoom out of my life and make room for unexpected blessings to be seen.

welcome to my january in 2016.  i am grateful for your visit.

I don’t know why I love her like I do
All the changes you put me through
Take my money, my cigarettes
I haven’t seen the worst of it yet
I want to know that you’ll tell me
I love to stay
Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Take me to the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me down

I don’t know why you treat me so bad
Think of all the things we could have had
Love is an ocean that I can’t forget
My sweet sixteen I would never regret

I want to know that you’ll tell me
I love to stay
Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Push me in the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me

 

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