an unexpected pairing

There's monsters in all of us, but there's also vulnerability. Finn Wittrock

There’s monsters in all of us, but there’s also vulnerability.
Finn Wittrock

well my friends- wonders never cease. a decision was made to get back into the management side of work. after the last few years and positions left me wading through frustration because decisions that were made regarding direction and implementation without much input from me.

i had left management because i became so frustrated with managing people. it felt much more like childsitting. what was more frustrating though was that leadership felt hollow and foreign and completely disconnected from me.

i managed a bucketshop for international ticketing in colorado for 12 years for a relative and his best friend from college. the business grew from a meagre $1M in sales to $17M after 10 years. we grew a wholesale niche of our business as we had become so adept at growing the retail aspect of our business. it felt quite a feat to sell directly to our competition and have them feel fairly confident about buying from us because we were closer and felt more reliable that the bucket shops on either of the coasts.

1988- 1998 was a giddy and madcap time in my life. i joined the lgbt mixed chorus and sang with them for several years, making new friends who had the chorus in common with me. i drank way too much then to douse my feelings as i was still waiting to die at any moment from aids. i had tested positve in 1985 and had moved to colorado in 1988 with the intention of dying. i worked on the travel company as a distraction the darker fears. it worked well. but i managed to over-imbibe myself into a year’s probation and an emotional break which caused me to leave being in charge behind. i haven’t looked back until late last year. upon taking yet another glass ceiling position, i was swirling in the stench of professional and creative stagnation and opted to take a big leap of faith.

mind you- after having survived the death knoll and surviving the grimm reaper shadowing my door as well as losing everything material and spiritual to addiction, the fear of losing everything has lost much of its impact. i know i have survived so much and have faith that i will somehow be able to do it again if required. but really i needed a challenge. i needed something to yank my chain and fill my heart and mind with wonder and hope.

and amidst the pages of this queer and colorful storybook in which i have taken a position, i have perhaps tapped the tree of life and am catching its sap in to quench a thirst.

i have been promoted and am at liberty to implement some changes and ideas and programs into several small SA/MH clinics in our state. I am at liberty to train recovery coaches. i am encouraged to create a small community of peer coaches and peer supporters to help my community feel better about itself. i hope to leave my world and my workplace much better than i found it.

“And as the years flowed by, some villagers told travelers of a beast and a beauty who lived in the castle and could be seen walking on the battlements, and others told of two beauties, and others, of two beasts.”
Emma Donoghue, Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins

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