i asked someone to help me scrape the popcorn from the ceiling in my townhouse and we made a deal. this person has been struggling with self-esteem and with structure. it appears those struggles continue. my house is in disarray and there is a semi scraped ceiling with remnants all over the floor. my environ is a mess and reflects some of whats going on inside my life.
i am hoping to be supportive to a friend who is struggling with a yet-undetermined health issue. there is a process this issue is taking on his body and a toll it is taking on his soul. there is gratitude in my heart for this specific opportunity. blessings be.
i had a conversation yesterday with a friend who recently had an up close encounter with domestic violence and whose world has been rocked. i unexpectedly experienced memories of my own mother’s series of toxic relationships and the wreckage left in their wake. of course i became stronger as a peripheral survivor but i developed an attachment disorder as a result of a few issues dv being one.
i watched myself struggle with being present as she told her tale of the recent events- just as i have watched a kite stuck in a tree flutter as the breeze tries to convince it to free itself. it took a few hours for me to gain perspective again and find the grounding to be truly supportive. luckily i have regained my footing and had a chance to touch base with this friend and asked for a do-over.
there is a dance that my mind takes when conflict or memories appear. i respond, i numb, i recoil, i regret, i perseverate, i dance with shame, and i sleep. it’s a dance i have been doing since i was young. this marks the trail my heart takes that was cemented within my shame-based-trauma. my sexual life and my emotional life are both traceable with this dance pattern. it is probably recognizable from space just like a constellation giving someone who knows me well the touchstones of my emotional silhouette.
just as i stumbled with this exercise in emotional sobriety last night, i find that clarity in sharing is maze-like as well. the map of me remains a puzzle and its only a piece fitting another piece one at a time. and i’m lucky to still be holding on.