every now and again, without warning, i will catch a glimpse of myself and it is like looking into a mirror whose paint backing is peeling off. except that the image i see is not distorted. the one i see most of the time is the distortion. i have a lens that is a kaleidescope which fractures the light with sections of blinds spots and the colored crystals of denial which i use most of the time and convince myself that i am not really that flawed.
but once in a while, the veil gets lifted and i see a bit of the man behind the masks. yesterday was one of those days. i was steeped in my own average-ness and confronted by my under-adequacies. i have been working 60 hours a week or so for the last month and 1/2 and realized that my desire for excessive comfort has begun to drain my reserve and teeter serenity. how palpably humbling and understatedly empowering it is to remember that flaws are inevitable and mis-steps are embedded.
not proud of the monster in me, but i have grown enough to not be naive about him either. the challenge for me these days is to just acknowledge the monster and continue to move forward. the firing pin event of this most recent moment triggered my letting go of a extra work commitment. enveloped in this moment was a warm and fluid center made of up my touching in on an ancient anger which protects an ancient fear. whether it was yin or yang remains to be seen.
“Imperfection is not our personal problem – it is a natural part of existing.”
― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
my world is roaring along like the coldwater creek runoff of a mountains spring thaw, moving so quickly with an audible whoosh which goose pimples my skin. my belief is that as my heart opens and passion ignites, my fears unleash with parallel abandon. its dizzying and its daunting and its fine.
the more i learn the more i understand how little i know. the difference is now i try not to cower. the jury’s still out on the efficacy of this modus operandi. hella ride tho.