what would you do

What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone On the bedroom floor, Cause he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? And his daddy's gone somewhere smokin' rock now, In and out of lock down, I ain't got a job now, So for you this is just a good time But for me this is what I call life Girl, you ain't the only one with a baby, That's no excuse to be living all crazy Then she looked me right square in the eye And said, "Everyday I wake up hopin' to die," She said, "Nigga, I know about pain 'cause me and my sister ran away, So my daddy couldn't rape us, Before I was a teenager I done been through more shit You can't even relate to!!! .... city high

What would you do if your son was at home
Crying all alone
On the bedroom floor,
Cause he’s hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
And his daddy’s gone somewhere smokin’ rock now,
In and out of lock down,
I ain’t got a job now,
So for you this is just a good time
But for me this is what I call life
Girl, you ain’t the only one with a baby,
That’s no excuse to be living all crazy
Then she looked me right square in the eye
And said, “Everyday I wake up hopin’ to die,”
She said, “Nigga, I know about pain
’cause me and my sister ran away,
So my daddy couldn’t rape us,
Before I was a teenager
I done been through more shit
You can’t even relate to!!! …. city high

sometimes it seems i am outside the looking glass peering in, trying to see if i am at all connected to what i am able to see from the other side. i would not be surprised if this were a symptom of ptsd, but am really not sure.

i am sure that this doesn’t feel foreign in any way and i am not panicked by it. it’s not a comfort by any means, but it doesn’t telegraph a deterrent or danger really. just something to notice.

i have indulged myself over these last 5 weeks between jobs with a trip to connecticut, a trip to michigan, some new adornments, and many gifts for people i love. i have allowed myself the luxury of gluttony to exercise my frustration with my last place of employment. this really equates to emotional eating which is not at all healthy except with harm reduction in mind. i believe whole-heartedly in harm reduction but i see it as a means to an end not the end.

it’s been challenging to view the events of these 5 weeks with detachment. i am emotionally connected- completely. ahh- perfection why have you forsaken me? (ha)

“Learning to pause is the first step in the practice of Radical Acceptance. A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. . . . The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life. . . . We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat or to spend time in nature or to take a sabbatical. . . . You might try it now: Stop reading and sit there, doing “no thing,” and simply notice what you are experiencing.”

Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

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2 replies

  1. Hello – The past few weeks have been your “pause” I think, as I follow these posts. You disengaged, you moved away, you retreated, you feasted, you healed and cared for yourself. Sometimes it is good to look from the outside, in. But also good to listen to your peers and friends around you. It seems you have all the pieces, now the question becomes, how are they assembled? Your time for renewal is almost over, as you begin this next chapter. Be confident, and take your time. This is yet another chance to expand your horizons and put to use all that knowledge you have in your head and heart. If we had ALL the answers to all of our questions, where would the challenge be? I’ve said before that if you don’t know where you are going or are unsure of the next step to stop, pause, sit down, and review your surroundings, talk to people, consult your map, and then when you are satisfied with what you learn in that pause, get up, gather your things, and walk forwards. I’m here.

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    • it has felt like a pause. it has also felt like a purge. i didn’t realize what a toll doing that work had taken until i no longer had to do it. i found myself unravelling while i was drinking in respite. i am glad i kept busy as it did purge most of the frustration i had surpressing for the last year. thank you again for giving of your attention.

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