i took my mother to see “heaven is for real” this last sunday. i was surprised that it touched me as i had expected it to be droll or calculated- which it actually was a little. but what shifted my impression was the simple way in which the film did not insist on a specific miracle but left room for the concept of miracles and the personal and intimate nature of them.
this sort of vision speaks to me quietly and specifically. i have experienced many situations during my lifetime that do not hold up to explanation and are not in line with logic and science. yet they are part of my experience. the acceptance of such experiences is nothing short of profound for me which translates into a miracle vernacular.
i expected to die for about a decade and lived my life according to that mindset. disappointment and relief both washed in like a tsunami in the late 90’s and i was thrown onto the shore of my life with no sense of direction and very little connection to the world. and in spite of myself and my emotions i somehow have survived until now. it certainly was not careful planning or sound judgement or decision making. quite the opposite really. my initial response to being thrown from the water was to rush back in without a board and without a paddle. and of course i was tossed again in the motion of life like fred flintstone in a time machine until i landed back on the beach- again out of breath and out of sorts.
there is a part of me that judges all this as being foolish and impractical. but there is also a more internal take on it all which understands that i needed to understand failure and loss before i could appreciate satisfaction. i still want to change the outside often before i deflect the urge and find my way to peace.
this is so very pertinent to my current life dramas. i am torn between playing with creating programs and implementing ideas versus remaining steady and not taking chances-the latter not being my true nature at all. i seemed to have lost sight of my faith in myself and my nature.
and i wonder why that is.
But I’ve got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I’m showing you the door
‘Cause I gotta have faith…george michael