“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. (10)”
there has been a definite shift in my psyche. the game board seems to have gotten suddenly larger and i feel as if i have a lot more room to play. my financial situation has cleared up- so maybe there’s some pressure that has been lifted. i find i am tired of holding grudges and feeling afraid. i don’t know that this will make me more forgiving or less fearful, but i know that my attachment to those things has shifted.
i needed a 3day weekend badly. i went to the mountains for a day and a half and had a weekend here. it feels glorious and i am basking in it. i have said “no” on several occasions which is truly a new development for me. i have faith in a future. i look forward to it, too. and i can now count on my fingers the number of people i think of as friends.
it may seem as if these are juvenile and simple things. maybe they really are. but i am not bothered. i have struggled so much with self-esteem issues that these basics are very important and a true sign of growth. i have needed to learn to stop going to “it’s my fault” every time something stank. presumably, i still go there, but i try my best not to land there now.
i was asked on a date last weekend for the first time in i can’t remember when. it didn’t happen, but the fact that it was discussed caused a shift. it still does actually. i am to see this person later this week and am curious about it all. not hopeful really- but curious.
it has been a restorative 3 day weekend for me. i needed it more than i realized. i am co-chairing a rally this september and will spend most of the summer working out the details. as is my style, there will be overthinking upon overthinking. so a couple more kickback getaways like this one to sustain my pace.
i shared in a meeting yesterday that i have realized that one of the hardest things for me in life has been to manage my feelings. for so many years, whenever i felt fear, anger, anxiety, doubt, embarrassment, shame, or any other somewhat challenging emotion, i would get high and change the way i felt. when i got clean, the coping skill i had used was missing and its absence was impactful. it has taken me all these years to feel comfortable with those feelings. i don’t report finesse or expert abilities, just abilities. this alone has been life-changing and worth the effort.
spent the weekend finishing up training for peer coaches for afr and my workplace. the shift in the trainees from start to finish can be so dramatic. as these folks start to expand the concept of what is possible in their recovery and what it can look like, my own concepts shift. always a work in progress.