this isn't everything you are

image credit … nicolas urquiza

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

this has been a week of uncomfortable situations. last week i reached out to an ailing acquaintance who has recently become homeless. i offered to give them a place to stay while they found housing. it turns out they heard me offer to let them move in with me. it’s a subtle but crucial difference and i have to clarify.

another colleague is undergoing hep-c treatment. her emotions are in turmoil and she seems scattered and crazy. it could be that she is over-reacting and misreading all sorts of situations. it is very painful for me to be near her and i have decided to withdraw. i always struggle with the boundaries i set for myself, because having boundaries is a very new thing in my life.

i put together a thank-you dinner for the volunteers at the rally. i got 10 rsvp’s and then only one of them showed up. i sat in the restaurant on friday evening with a couple of friends at a big empty table. it was a challenge not to personalize this. i believe there is something to be learned around this.

i am headed into a very busy time for me. i do catering work with private chefs and i have 13 functions scheduled in addition to my full time job. and i am to be in philadelphia for 5 days in december. i am supposed to stay with friends while i attend a 12 step conference. i am now having second thoughts and am considering getting a hotel. it’s money i hadn’t planned to spend.

i am still waiting to hear from the bank regarding my home loan. it’s been several months. the state of not-knowing is very strange. it’s unsettling and requires faith. faith is something i claim to channel, but sometimes it feels as if the breaker is short-circuiting.

these are all situations i would rather not be walking through. and i think i have felt really craggy because they are all happening together. each day has been me taking the time to gently talk myself off the ceiling as i keep  floating off the ground.

a friend i have known through my sobriety has gone back out now 2x in the last year. i heard he went out last weekend. i called him and offered to help in some way if he felt that were possible. he talks about his struggle with his sober life being enough. this resonates with me as i trudge through my own quest for emotional sobriety.

Keeping up all night

And the night before
And you’ve lost count of drinks and time
And your friends keep calling but we’re sick
And there’s strangers everywhere

Don’t kill love now
Don’t kill love
Don’t kill love now
Don’t kill love

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2 replies

  1. I think this post reeks of powerlessness. We are powerless over people, places and things. Setting those boundaries is something that is a practiced art. Seems you need some back-up. You planned a dinner that did not go to plan. When Jesus healed the ten lepers, and only one came back to thank him, he asked “where are the other nine?” Once again, it's all about people. Seems you need to be careful the way you speak to some and what you say to them. Don't over extend yourself. You know what they say about feeding a stray animal … If you are going to Philly, and not sure of your accommodations, then maybe a simple conversation will alleviate your worries. It is a good lesson in letting go that we learn trust of our friends. It is the season for slipping. These are the toughest time of the year. 2 members of my 12 step intensive went out this past week, sad but what can you do about it? We can't get other people clean or sober. No news is good news on the home front. Another practice of blind faith. If you pray for faith, then God gives you an opportunity to have faith. Make sure you ask specifically for what you need, and then get ready to manifest it. We have the power to change our lives. We are what we believe and our life reflects the people we are. All these are views of the same conundrum … We are powerless over people, places and things. I can't do it alone. I need to trust in my friends and take solace in the fact that we have faith, even in the not knowing. one day at a time my friend. Don't forecast. And keep those expectations on the manageable size. Pray for your friends, and do what we can. And know just the right amount of energy you can put in any one person or place. At least one person showed up for your dinner. it's progress not perfection, right? Don't sweat the small stuff. This too shall pass.Jeremy

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  2. it's funny you mention powerlessness. i shared about that very thing at a meeting the morning after i posted this. it speaks volumes to me that i have been able to identify tough situations, acknowledge them, and move with them in tow. previously i would have thought myself a failure. today i see myself as average. and happy to be so.

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