mirror of cruelty

“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn’t understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don’t say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it’s the first time I’ve been so close to the light.”… Johnny Depp

i hit a small professional milestone recently and today it culminated in a review, a diagnostic, and a repositioning. somehow recently amidst a lost of shifting around me, i got the impression that i would be shifting, too. alas, i have been sprinkled with disappointment. actually, today i even feel a bit drenched.

part of me knows that my wilted hopes are all my own design. bittersweet headline at best. knowing that i arranged my own pain has really not made the sting less sharp. my ego is all wrapped up in this mess. i love so much about where i am, but there is some not-so-love in here too. i find the reflections of myself startling me out of delusion more frequently than i prefer.sometimes, much like when i catch a reflection of myself in a window as i am walking, or as i slip by the bathroom mirror in the morning, and what looks back at me seems a bloated,  distorted. and deformed me, the realization that my hurting today is  an offshoot of an overestimated expectation planted by yours truly stinks.

photo credit Itzhak Ben-Arieh

i wanna scream out loud-“when is the world gonna give me more than i have?”..”why am i not appreciated?”
without doubt, this is ego insanity. i am only suffering in my mind. i imagine i need certain “things” in order to feel loved. i need prestige to determine my worth. and i want things to assure me i am lovable. all this crap is just like an addiction. always needing more to try to be happy.

yuk.. i don’t find fun in looking at the not-so-pretty sides of myself. i so would prefer to think myself as close to perfect as possible. sadly though, perfect is not even part of the truth. i am average. greedy, egotistical,  power-hungry, and no-better-than average.

love, love, love pixie lott

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2 replies

  1. You can't get sober and keep your ego! That is plain and simple. You know, all those things you think you need to be happy …”i imagine i need certain “things” in order to feel loved. i need prestige to determine my worth. and i want things to assure me i am lovable.” It sounds like you need a dose of reality. People will like you in spite of yourself. You don't need prestige for self worth because you are worthy just as you are. You don't need things to assure you – you are loveable. You have everything you need. You don't need to create drama only to have it backfire in your face. You seem to struggle with issues of self. I think you need a dose of just being real with yourself. Go with the flow and let go of all those expectations that seem to dog you. Stay in your day and do your best. Don't create pain where it is not necessary. And get out of your own way. It seems your head might still be up your proverbial ass if you haven't mastered these things yet. We all grow up – who we were as children has nothing to do with who we are today, even though we try to find connection with that time. We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Because there will the lessons come from. Stop trying so hard to be someone, and let go and be yourself. Drop the Rock… eventually you will find that the load will get too heavy to bear. Let go already.Jeremy

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