kiss today goodbye….

The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can’t regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It’s as if we always knew,
And I won’t forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.

today was an everyday friday… and yet i wave it goodbye with a not-so-ordinary calm. i processed quite a bit today. i finally have come to understand the reality of some character defects, have begun to accept them, and am consciously asking for them to be removed. there is a quiet grace in this process which is definitely like a clear blue sky on a deep-freeze day.

much of this defect business is about a shopping fetish…. or maybe it’s a spending fetish… or maybe it’s about not saving… whatever it is really about, it is also really invasive and has gotten away from me “like a train on a track” as florence would say. i don’t know if i can make it for months at a time without overspending, but i do know i have to try.

beyond this though, i have also entered what seems to be a new realm for me. i have been asked to assess my own efforts as objectively as i can. the real challenge lies not with overestimating my output, but undervaluing it, i think. as i move through the phases of my cause and effect, i feel intimidated to claim responsibility for this change or that by-product. naturally, part of me wants the credit, but a small but very pertinent child-within tells me i did not do any of this- i am just mistaken. so as i began to work on this, i realized that i have to give this whole thing some real thought. i can’t just say yes or no. and maybe i even have to take a chance and not do the first thing that comes up. it’s perplexing, it’s  daunting, and it’s definitely an opportunity to grow.

i am definitely embarrassed to report that i am recording the last season of oprah. indeed i am a vbq (very big queen) till the end. today, oprah was telling bo derek that bo seemed as if she led her life with an open heart. it seemed a quiet phrase, this open heart phrase, but a voluminous one. perhaps it represents a shift in perception for me. walking through life with an open heart seems not a small thing. not a small thing at all. if i were to look towards what is yet to be, i know that unknown and open heart are not soulmates in my mind.

this is a delicious challenge for me. open heart. letting go. assuming good. forgiving first.  especially considering how much i haven’t done for fear of love. this would most likely be the instrumental of my life. what i haven’t done for love. so today maybe we can also mark a change in direction here as well. open heart. what i do FOR love. hmmmmm

now i’m exhausted just thinking of this.  and it’s time for some sleep. what happened to that calm i was writing about?

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1 reply

  1. Re: undervaluing yourself. “You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” Marianne Williamson.Rod – you do more for us than you will ever know. Blow your horn a little. For us.

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